Learning.

I can't believe I fell (or was it jumped?) off the wagon so soon.
Well, actually I can believe it.
Because it is exactly what I do every time.
I get this motivation, determination, and plan going, then within 12-24 hours I'm done with it, I give up, and say to myself I'll start again on Monday (even if it's Tuesday).
But this time I'm getting back on straight away.
Because I have to! This is my last chance!
I feel that if I give up one more time, I'll be giving it up forever.
And forever won't be too long, because I'll end up dying of a heart attack or diabetes, or cancer like my dad at the age of 47.
That won't do.
I want to live until I'm 100! Or at least 94, like both of my husband's grandmas (on both sides) - both healthy as can be, still walking every day, and mental health in perfect order!
So blessed to have them as an example!

But to do that, I have to be healthy.
I have to drop these extra 55 pounds.
And I have to figure out how.

Lessons learned:

What worked last time may not be what I need this time.
I've decided to start weighing myself daily again.
Once upon a time, I had an obsession with the scale, like so many others have had.
It became unhealthy, so I decided to only weigh once a week.
But now I think I need to do it every morning, at least for a while.

Tuesday I weighed 190.1.
Then I had a complete melt-down yesterday, and went crazy eating myself to death.
I checked again today, 190.5.
At this rate, I will be 200 lbs by 10th of May.
Shit no! I am not going down this road!

But I can't really focus on the whole "lose 1 lb each week."
I feel like I have no control over tomorrow or the next day.
But I do have control over what I chose to do today.
So today, I am working towards getting the scale to be something less than 190.5.
Even if it's 190.4 - I'll take it.
A tiny step in the right direction is still the right direction, even if it's tiny.

But understand this: if it goes up, I won't beat myself up over it.
I'll just try again the next day.
And the next.
And the next.
Because if I try, I will succeed.

I need to strengthen my Will Power.
I have to decide and stick with it.
I said before, I feel like I have no control over tomorrow.
But I can commit to saying "Today I will go to the gym, no matter what."
I can say "If I crave sweets, I'll have a cup of tea, but I'm not allowed to touch the dessert in the fridge, just for today."
I can say "Today I'll make myself some brown rice to put the Beef Stroganoff on, even though my family is having it over pasta, just to make sure the scale goes down and not up."

Focusing on each and every moment - knowing that this moment's decisions will shape the next.
This is important.
And I will use Will Power to chose good choices.

That's it for today!